Alan Wolfgang

Hello, my name is Alan Wolfgang. Yes that is my real name, just not my legal name. I was born in the 90’s so I’m getting up there in years these days. Since I can remember, I’ve been struggling with severe depression and moderate anxiety. I first attempted to take my life in 2009, again in 2010, and lastly in 2011. As you can imagine, I was unsuccessful in these attempts, and have since been trying everything to get my life to feel like it’s worth living. Some days are harder than others, but most days are simply unbearable.

However, around my entry into the mental health treatment world in 2011, I’ve noticed that I tend to be more functional appearing than others I met during my treatments. I would go to work, cook, clean, appear perfectly fine in all social situations. While inside and behind closed doors I was barely holding myself together, constantly bombarded by invasive suicidal ideations, lack of motivation and general malaise. Almost like I was living a double life; Social, ambitious and driven in public but once I crawled into bed at home, I would just rot, hoping when I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up.

While I have no formal training or qualifications in the mental health field, I like to think that I am very well versed with my own maladies. Though there is still much about myself, and my illnesses that I do not know. I’ve had diagnosises of Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Executive Function Disorder, PTSD, Disassociative Identity Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder…I mean I can’t think of a diagnosis a psychiatrist didn’t try shoving on me though only Depression and Anxiety stuck between changing psychiatrists. I have also tried every medication currently available, and some of the more “invasive” treatments like ketamine, TMS and ECT. So ultimately I go with Severe Treatment Resistant Depression, and Social Anxiety.

The cherry on top of my life, in March 2024 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). So now with a broken mind, and wilting body, I hope to share some of my insights into living with High Functioning Mental Illness. I don’t know if it helps, and apologize in advance if it doesn’t. Nonetheless, if the lessons I’ve learned through suffering can help you without having to experience the same, I will be content.