High Functioning Hub

This past half year has been incredibly difficult for me. I lost my place to live, had to leave a job I loved, moved several states away, got a new job I hate, and lost my place to live again. All while managing my Depression, Anxiety, Multiple Sclerosis, Work, School and Life. I honestly don’t know how I’ve even made it six months, but two weeks ago I ran out of steam and crashed, hard. I reverted to getting nothing done, rotting in bed, barely taking care of myself, snapping at any little thing, and again contemplating actively ending my life. I wouldn’t say I’m out of that funk yet, but have recovered enough to stop rotting in bed, and trying to complete my tasks like finding a new job, finding a new place to live, doing my homework, just getting back to functioning. I do not give myself enough credit for trying to “balance all these plates” in my life…at least that’s what my therapist tells me. It is difficult to be proud of myself when my Mental Illness tells me I should be doing more. Through simply sticking around and some decent life events, I’ve managed to avoid the worst case scenario that I spent hours envisioning, but of course, I can’t rest yet, don’t know if I ever can. Though I don’t always practice what I preach, here are some ways I’ve managed to keep moving forward even though my life looked like it would never recover.

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“Rome wasn’t built in a day” “Slow and steady wins the race” “One step at a time” There are numerous idioms in all languages about managing your life to get the most out of it. The greatest stories ever written started with a single word. The most beautiful paintings started with a single brush stroke. When you look at something you need to do, seeing that goalpost so far away can easily get overwhelming very fast. So breaking things down into more manageable steps is a way to help make that stress seem more overcomable. By setting these small goals, it can be more rewarding when you complete them. It can also give you a view of how far you’ve come, and will make how far you need to go seem a bit less far. A word of caution, this can become counterproductive if you break things down too much. It will be even more overwhelming if a task suddenly is 100 smaller tasks. At least I seem to suffer from doing that too much to the point where I get paralyzed and don’t even know where to start.

Establishing a routine can be especially tricky for people with mental health problems, though the payoff is very much worth the effort. Doing the same things at roughly the same times can help you regain some control over things that feel like they’re slipping out of control. Regularity goes a long way in remembering things you might usually forget, it helps with purpose when life feels listless. It is difficult for me to stick to any type of routine but the ones I were able to establish have become essential parts of my day. Some I need to get going in the morning, others to help me wind down at night, and some just help me get through the day. Mine can certainly use some work, could be done better, could be less ignored, but with a little compassion, I can at least say that I’m trying. Things that help, or hurt my life, are all a part of it, and I need to slowly but surely adjust things to the point that I am able to get through my days with some constants and be more prepared for the unexpected inevitabilities of life.

When you are deep in the throes of depression, or overwhelmed with anxiety, it can be very isolating and makes you feel alone. While I cannot say that no one is out there alone in this world, you and I more than likely have at least 1 person in our lives. Even if you don’t, sometimes just connecting with a stranger at a bar, library, or wherever your haunt is, can lessen that isolating feeling. If you are lucky to have someone in your life that you can be open with, reaching out, not even asking for help, but just talking with can help boost your mood, give you an outside perspective you may not have thought about, and can even help give you a reason to keep going. Humans are social creatures, and while some, myself included, value our alone time and even prefer it, we still need to connect with people every now and again. It can be hard to do for people with social anxiety, but attempting to do so in a setting in which you are comfortable can help ease the stress. I find it’s easier for me to be a bit more outgoing in work or school settings, but it could be something else entirely for you.

Personally I don’t believe in the “Mind over Matter” motto, because sometimes we don’t get to choose how something affects us. In this case, attempting to limit exposure to the sources of stress and negativity in your life can really help. Despite having a really hard time moving several states away, I removed myself from a very toxic family situation that was a constant source of anger and stress. In that regard, other stressors have taken its place, but I believe that limiting my exposure to those certain people allowed for a brief yet immense relief. You cannot always avoid stress or other triggers, but doing your best to limit what you can, whenever you can goes a long way.

Practicing Mindfulness, which I’ll be honest I am not good at, can help you focus on what is important and what you can control in your life. There is very little in the world that we have control over, and it can often feel like our own lives are spiraling out of control. When this happens, finding a way to ground yourself can be a helpful remedy. Focusing on what you can control, whether that is what you eat, what tv show to watch, what book to read, whatever it is, can give you an anchor in what feels like a tornado running through your life. I have difficulties doing this particularly because my life constantly feels out of my control, which of course is not entirely true. Regardless, it feels that way, and I have difficulties challenging my own thinking and it’s something I am working on. If you can find your “little island in the storm” try and hold onto it, expand it and build on it if you can, but remember that even if it doesn’t get better anytime soon, your island is under your full control.

These words can be difficult things to express when you are in a deep, dark place. It can be hard to be grateful for anything when everything feels like it’s going wrong. It can be hard to be compassionate towards yourself and others when it feels like that’s the reason you’re in this mess. Still, it is important that we continue to try and find things to be grateful for, and try to be compassionate towards others. Self-compassion is especially important here. Not everything is your fault. There might not have been anything you could have done different. Even if you did something differently, you could have still ended exactly where you are right now. Understanding that you are sick and that is not your fault, is a major tipping point in every battle with illness, I feel. Being able to tell yourself it’s okay you couldn’t get out of bed today, but you’ll rest up and try again tomorrow is a hard thing to do when you are very self-critical. I find it especially easy to beat myself up about every single, little thing. Though when I catch myself doing this, I try to take a pause and think about it a little deeper. I ask myself if it is really my fault, if I actually could have done anything different. When I consider my various health issues, memory problems, and overall lack of motivation, it becomes clear as day that no, I could not have done anything different. It’s easy to say to myself “well here’s the 17 things you could have done differently in that situation” but when I think about it, I did what I did for pure survival. I wouldn’t have had the energy, or wouldn’t have remembered, or would have gotten physically exhausted if I had even attempted any of those “different things” that I could have done. So yeah, I could have done something different in theory, but real life often differs from the little scenarios I run in my head, and even if I could try a million times, I probably would have done it the same way every single time. I can’t say I entirely forgive myself when I come to this realization, but I do ease up on my self-criticisms and tell myself it’s okay.

A hobby can really be defined as anything you enjoy doing. It can be something you do in your career, in your free time, or in spite of being so busy you can barely catch your breath. If it is something that brings joy into your life, I think it’s safe to consider it a hobby. If you don’t have a hobby, than exploring things that might become one can sometimes be just as fun as having one. They can often serve as a distraction from all the negative things going on in your life. Learning new skills can foster a sense of achievement, or give you the motivation to improve. A good hobby can be difficult to find, especially in today’s day and age where hobbies can be expense, groups can be exclusive, and it feels like you have to turn your hobby into a “side-hustle”. I don’t know if hearing it from me will make any difference, but do what you love because you love it, not with the goal of making money off it. If you can and want to make a bit of extra income, feel free to do so, but don’t start a hobby with the sole purpose of making money. That is a quick way to invert the stress relief aspect, and become something you no longer enjoy. You also don’t have to spend all kinds of money getting into a hobby unless you want to. If you want to just fish with sticks and twine, don’t feel compelled to drop tons of cash on a “beginner” fishing pole. Just find and do something that brings joy to your life. As long as it isn’t robbing others of their joy, go as simple or crazy as you want!

A bit of a culmination of a few other stratagies results in simply “Help Others”. I feel all sorts of positive feelings when I help people, it usually isn’t even something I actively seek out either. Using your compassion, reaching out a hand to those in need, however you feel you can, can be immensely rewarding for the effort it requires. You can volunteer your time if you have some to spare, you can join a forum to offer advice, you can simply hold the door open for someone. It doesn’t even have to be a little old lady or somebody with their hands full, just hold the door open, give them a smile, and go on your way. Small acts of kindness can often have the largest impact, and are things that we do everyday anyways. So be kind to everyone, even when it is hard to do so. The “Golden Rule” is to treat others as you would want to be treated. I know that there are a lot of times where I would have welcomed the help of someone else if it was offered, so I practice empathy by putting myself in someone else’s shoes, and helping when I can. Again, humans are social creatures, and by helping others, you might even find that you’ve helped yourself, a real win-win.

When life gets hard, it can easily feel like you’ve lost all control. Like things are just happening around you, and to you, without the ability to change anything. While sometimes this may indeed be the case, it is more often not totally out of your control. There are still things that you can influence, things you can do and choose to. Finding and focusing on these things can provide a bit of grounding in an otherwise chaotic time. Of course this is unique to everyone, and nothing applies to everyone, so finding what in your life is still under your control is the first hurdle to be beat. Whether it is when you get out of bed, get out of bed at all, what or when you eat, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, or even buying the slightly more expensive eggs at the supermarket because it’s the brand you like. The little everyday things that we do, that most people don’t even really think about, are choices that we can make and have control over. Sometimes I even like to spend a little extra time grocery shopping really hunting down the best deals. I certainly look strange walking back and forth the toilet paper aisle examining the overall price, price per foot, how many feet in a roll, thickness, pretty much every little aspect that I can find to make sure I’m not only getting the most out of my money, but also getting a product that is worth the money I am spending. Sure, deciding what brand of toilet paper is not a life altering decision by any means, but spending that time, having complete control over that choice, while the rest of my world is spinning in flames, helps me get a few moments of peace. Whatever it is in your life, find what you can control in all aspects, and focus on that no matter how trivial, and it will reassure you that no, what is going on in your life at this moment is not entirely rampaging around without you. It is simply some things that are happening right now are really difficult, but you were able to choose to take the exit a little farther down the highway because you didn’t feel like dealing with the traffic at your normal exit.

If life gets difficult, and for some like us it’s not if but when, and you feel like you’re quickly losing ground, it might be time to tag in a professional. If you don’t already have a therapist or psychiatrist in your corner, they do offer significant help when dealing with difficult times. A good, professional therapist is not there to judge you, won’t throw their arms up in defeat when things aren’t working the way they anticipated, but will be there with you every step of the way. Some may chastise you for making poor decisions, others work on building up your confidence, while most work on the underlying issues contributing to the difficulties in your life right now. Having a therapist won’t help you to pay your bills, quite the opposite in fact, but they can help you through the steps of getting a higher paying job. Some can even help identify behaviors that are definitely hurting you but may not seem like it since they are indeed still coping mechanisms, looking at you alcohol. I have found little solace with my therapists, but I continue to go, chipping away at the tangled ball of yarn that is my problems. It is definitely a “slow and steady wins the race” kind of thing, as is all mental health treatments. No medicine, doctor, or therapist out there can cure your mental health issues without some serious time and effort from both parties. Finding the right blend of therapy and meds usually do the trick for most people, but in case you’re like me and they don’t work, keep trying.

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It can often feel like life just tends to keep kicking you when you’re already down. While this does happen from time to time, we see it this way more often because we are already down in the dumps, and another negative thing is very easy to focus on when you already don’t feel well. Whether it’s a physical illness, mental illness, happenstance, or just a run of plain bad luck, life has a way of being brutal when you least expect it. It can be very difficult, impossible even, to remain optimistic in times like that, but pessimism doesn’t help either. Finding a way to hold on and keep moving forwards, even when it feels like you’re trying to climb a waterfall with a backpack full of bricks can be really tricky. Though as with all things in life, perseverance is the key. I often remember the quote from “Rocky Balboa” (2006 version)

 “…Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are… it will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit… and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward…”

Really the only issue that I have with this quote is the part where it says “if you let it” because sometimes we don’t really get that choice. The rest of it though, really does resonate with me because life will beat you down. It will beat you down however and whenever it can. It won’t always be a fall from grace type beatdown where life was great until it wasn’t. Sometimes life will kick you while you’re down, and especially when you thought you couldn’t get any lower, that you were already at rock bottom. Truth is, there really isn’t a true rock bottom, things can always get worse, that is immutable. With this in mind, it really does come down to how well you can take the beating life will inevitably give you and keep marching forwards. Step by step, moment by moment, inching forwards even if you have to grit your teeth, this is a fight for your life. While it may not feel like a life worth fighting for at this moment, the great and scary thing about the future is that there it has unlimited potential. The future can hold anything, for anyone, and it won’t be until you get there that you really know whether the future only held more suffering, or maybe…just maybe…that awful time in your life that you’re going through right now was just a terrible prologue to the real main course of your life.